The Last Poem I Wrote About You

painting by Naomi Okubo:

The greatness lies in the words.
The scribble of an ink on paper
could easily be what your mind is screaming in your closeted head
or the thumping in your chest.
Why does the brain let us think that it is the heart that is the greater, while all it does is pump blood in our veins, on its own instruction?
Why do I think you are the greatest, when you just told me things I should have known last year, or the year before it?
I should have told myself that I am a caring person
and I am a sweet girl and I dont deserve anyone making any less of it.
I don’t deserve myself making any less of it.
You are different, for not who you are because you are just another lesson on a boring school day.
No, you are different because I thought you could’ve been.
But damnit, you just had to twist your words with your action.

I had a good time while it lasted.
I had a great time while you were there.
And then it was time for us to leave.
You could’ve enjoyed the good bye, been less hasty,
I wouldn’t have minded.
I could’ve complained less.
We are who we are.
You are who you are.
But it was my pleasure that you stopped by.

Painting Courtesy: Naomi Okubo

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Making Up Words

"No one is you and that is your power." —Dave Grohl   artwork by Daniel Segrove:

As I sit there,
looking out of the moving window
I feel all kinds of feelings stir in me.
No, just the melancholic ones.
They overflow through my
eyes.
Just a little.

Just a little
more time I wish
I’d had
She bolted away before
I knew,
she was gone forever.
“It was nice knowing you,”
she said, leaving a
kiss on my cheek
I touched the spot,
“Likewise”
I should have sayed.

Should I have stayed?
Does he care that I left?
I didn’t want to.
All my instincts only ever
wanted to stretch this
affair as long as
it could endure.
But I have seen too
many stories end on a
sour note when
enduring is all that’s left
I wouldn’t let it happen to mine.

I shouldn’t have let it happen.
I shouldn’t have let her go by.
Does she think I don’t care?
She said, “Now I need to run away.”
Did she not care?

If only he knew
running away might kill me
show up as stains on my face
and bruises on my lungs
But some doors need
to be closed behind us.
Maybe we will meet again…
Fate is funny that way…
I hope he remembers me then…

Someday we may meet again.
Let fate work it that way.
I pray she remembers me then.
I hope she remembers me then.

Artwork Courtesy: Daniel Segrove

Wounds

Did you ever realize how much your body loves you? I mean its always trying to keep you alive. That’s all your body has to live for. Your body is making sure you breathe while you sleep, stopping cuts from bleeding, fixing broken bones, finding ways to beat the illnesses that might get you. Your body literally loves you so much. It’s time you start loving your body back. —Unknown Sculpture by Justin Novak: Did you ever realize how much your body loves you? I mean its always trying to keep you alive. That’s all your body has to live for. Your body is making sure you breathe while you sleep, stopping cuts from bleeding, fixing broken bones, finding ways to beat the illnesses that might get you. Your body literally loves you so much. It’s time you start loving your body back. —Unknown Sculpture by Justin Novak

It always starts innocently enough…

Like when you are picking at a wound, its just for relief you say to yourself
but soon enough you have scratched open your wound, raw skin and blood all over.
You end up enduring a worse injury. And to be honest, aren’t you to blame for it?
So you start picturing a future together
Irrespective of whether you even have a present (you don’t)
Soon enough in between clinking of glasses and laughter and kisses
you realize, how will it ever be?
And you realize you are further down the pit than you ever thought
Raw skin exposed and blood all over.
Just give it time dear,
wounds close and the blood clots and they heal.
Don’t go picking at it.
It will heal.

Unlike scars.
Don’t scar yourself.

Sculpture by Justin Novak

What If…

I am supposed to think about the greater good. I am supposed to focus on my calling, things I am passionate about. I am to look for adventures, not sit here thinking of you. Over-analyzing all the words you said to me. One moment I am convinced that you meant every word you said. Because you looked in my eyes and you made me smile. Isn’t that how it is supposed to happen? I have been too out of touch. I have kept myself too out of touch because I am a fool and I am being foolish again. Of course you didn’t mean anything. You were in high spirits and I was in high spirits. And we both said and heard what we wanted to. High spirits make a bigger fool of us than we are. But here I am nevertheless, playing it, rewinding it and playing it again. Just one more time. And its 3 o’clock and I dug out a hole in my heart that I had barely been able to cover up from the last time. So, I will make this easier for myself.

Let’s play a game of what if? What if you did mean it? What if you do want me and I won’t turn out to be like all the other ladies before me? We will seek out the high spirits again and you will make me smile and laugh and make me feel good and soon enough I’ll start craving you. People like me get addicted to people like you very easily. And I will start changing myself according to you. I won’t say the words that upset you, that could anger you. I just want us to be right there, laughing. I just want that moment. But moments are fleeting. I always forget that. We will continue with our conversations. We will shut out the world and you will open up in secret. I will then tell you one of my secrets. The ones even my friends don’t know. And we will kiss under the drunken stars. Or maybe under the fort of your blanket. Or anywhere really, I don’t mind you kissing me anytime… anywhere.

But soon enough, the high will fade and you will become you and I will become me.
It won’t last because I will sabotage it. Or maybe you will. But more likely we both will strangle it. You will start fidgeting, I won’t be enough for you. I won’t find you compelling or challenging enough, and you will be just another pretty face unable to understand my fickle, rude, arrogant heart. And all the kissing won’t help it. And we’ll let each other get lost in the crowd again. Becoming perfect strangers.

There you go, sweet heart,
if it won’t last do we have to indulge in it?

Illustration courtesy: Harriet Lee-Merrion

Resolutions 2013

The thing about publicly announcing something and having them all saved up for future reference is that it’s all saved up for future reference. I made few resolutions last year on the exact same day, and though I have never really kept upto them in the past years like I am sure neither have the approximately 7 billion of you, I kinda tried this time. So, I guess that calls for evaluation.

1. Try to make an effort to keep my bed clean. Since it was about making an effort, totally nailed it. Changed the pillow, and dusted off and changed sheets more often than ever in the history of bed making in my room. Ok, so I did not change it every two weeks, but I occasionally cleaned the pile of stuff, and had the whole bed to myself.

2. Stop blasting my head off when my mum calls. Yeah, ummm, no. Did not go as planned. If anything I think I got crankier. Did not think that could have been possible. I am horrible child.

3. Stop watching Friends and start with Star Trek, Star Wars, Lost, Lord of the Rings (also read the novel), The Wonder Years, Boy Meets World, Seinfeld and all the other apparently awesome shows everybody gets so nostalgic about. I did stop watching Friends, and though I only started with Seinfeld from the aforementioned list but I checked out Gossip Girl, Game of Thrones, Girls but I watched hundreds of movies, literally. 170 of them. So definitely tried newer stuff.

4. Listen to The Doors, The Beatles, Metallica, Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd.. and the rest. And yes, I am thoroughly ashamed I haven’t done this yet. Nope, did not check them out. And in my defence, I think I like music better when I hear them out of the blue, you know like in the background of a movie or show, or playing in someone else’s playlist or in the background of some cafe, gets me in the mood better instead of sitting down and forcefully listening down someone’s discography to be in agreement with other folk’s view. Sure they are classics and considered great because well, they are, but then again, I would like to be a part of the generation I am, and listen to newer stuff. Today will be an era someday, and someone else will romanticise us, so better be a part of it now. And sure there is crappy music out there, but there’s good stuff too like Lorde, Eminem, Lana Del Rey, Adele, Macklemore, Imagine Dragons, and so many more. It’s all about whom you listen to.

5. Eat out more. Mission accomplished. Except I did not take pictures of the food to prove it.

6. Go out and hook up. I wouldn’t be a lady if I kiss and tell right? Nevermind that, I got some. Dang! I wanted to be lady! Anyway, while getting some, I figured, was it really worth running around if I have to run away the next morning, probably to never call again? But it did help me figure out what I want, and though it’s not all crystal clear, playing the field isn’t as much fun as I had in my mind.

7. Stop shopping for clothes. Striped myself down to the bare minimum, and you know what? It sucked. It sucked bananas. I shouldn’t have been surprised to come to this conclusion, but shopping makes me very, very happy. While buying the stuff, while carrying the bags of stuff back home, while trying them on, and while wearing them out, all of it makes me happy. Materialism makes for shallow people sure, but it makes for vanity, self confidence and a well put together, presentable person. And presentation matters. Never again am I giving up shopping. Ughhh, ‌I never felt uglier.

8. Travel. *Tears of disappointment rolls down*

9. Work my ass more. Debateable. Some areas, some time. Then my patience ran out.

10. Blog more. I fell through sometimes on it, but I worked it and wrote 42 posts. Obviously I can do better, and I will.

Ok, so not as well as I had imagined, but these are just resolutions, meant to be broken the next day. So that makes it a fair performance. Anyway, bring on 2014, 2013 has been crappy enough.

Aftermath of a movie night

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Hold hands under the table when hanging out with friends.

Drink coffee in small little cafes and kiss.

Go to graveyard and make out.

Sit on the hoods of broken down cars at the middle of the night and look up at the sky. And kiss.

Get drunk and be silly.

Warmth in silence.

Dinner. Rain. Walk. Kiss.

Bike ride to nowhere.

My place. His tee. Our silly song.

Cuddle up in the couch in your undies and eat the leftover pizza.

Watch bad movies in theater and not watch the movie.

Fight. And know that it won’t break things up.

Play “Hey,there Delilah” on the guitar for her. And sing it too.

So that’s just a list of un-materialistic things I want in life.

Just finished watching “The Notebook” and seems like it has had a rather wistful effect on me or was that just Ryan Gosling? I knew he was H-O-T from “Crazy, Stupid, Love”, but, oh! he’s so thoughtful and dreamy and passionate and fire-in-my-loins gorgeous! Now that’s what a lady wants from the Santa.

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