Today Was NOT A Fairytale

Lol haha funny pics / pictures / President Snow / Hunger Games Humor / Catching Fire / School / Couples / SO TRUE!!

So one time I saw this guy I had a fling with. He was with another girl, allegedly his new girlfriend. It shouldn’t have been a big deal, considering I was the one who blew him off. But it still mattered. Mattered enough to bulldoze my heart out flat. Maybe because I suddenly realized the things I lost out on when I turned my back on the aforementioned guy. But I am extremely certain it was because they looked really happy. And I am not. And if there’s anything I hate more than not being happy is having to look at happy couples.

They are the worst, oblivious to the world and just glowing with happiness in their bubble of champagne and liquid chocolate, trying to validate each others existence through co-dependence. Or something. And it’s obviously worse, if you are just standing there thinking you could have been in that bubble. But no. He was just too boring for you, you interesting unicorn. 

But its okay. Its alright. Maybe one of these days it may just happen for you. Although reality would contradict that. You obviously don’t have your shit together. You still think what random strangers think about your physical appearance triumphs over what your near and dear ones think about the real person inside you. You hold grudges and you are superficial. You strive to find that mythical perfection in others when neither do you give someone time to get comfortable with you or are the so called epitome of perfection yourself. You still don’t respect yourself enough for you to cut out people who don’t respect you.

You need to take yourself seriously. You need to stop being so deprecating of yourself and try to become the mature, level-headed individual you want to be with. And moreover, you’ve got to stop looking for it, because you are only going to look in all the wrong corners and kiss frogs who are going to turn into princes for others and not you. But mostly, you have stopped loving yourself which needs to be stopped.


The Comeback

The thing with not practicing something regularly is that you start procrastinating it furthermore, till you have to mentally kick yourself to get your shit together. So it has been awhile since I posted anything – it started out with me not having internet connection at home as an excuse to post anything and later went on to just not doing it, and delaying it further and further. But, here I am. And I’ll fill you in with all that happened in the last few weeks.

So, I was doing my 2 month summer internship in this company in Mumbai. Which was crap. Jobs, amirite? Also like all stereotypical bosses, my boss was an asshole, so I spent majority of my time in Mumbai sulking and feeling bad mostly. And Mumbai, man, it was something. My relationship with the city started out as this crush, you know the crushes where you just fall in love with the idea of something without having any sense of the reality or the truth. You love them just because. You are so sure that it is meant to be and you will spend the rest of your life with them. That’s I guess how I saw Mumbai, in retrospect. Like something that will elevate everything in my life, make everything just better, and make me happy. I had more expectation than luggage. So obviously, reality check sucked me in and it sucked for me. But then, like novelty, the sucky phase wore off too. And standing at the Band stand or driving through the Worli Sealink looking at the city skyline, I fell in love again. You can’t really stay mad at Mumbai for too long. You can be broke, shit ass broke, but definitely not mad at it. Also the people, they are bunch of really nice people.

I will definitely go back Mumbai again, but I have to make sure my bank balance is strong enough to take the hit.

And did I mention, my boss. Total asshole. Absolute asshole. “Pop goes the Weasel” – about him. Yep, he drove me to write psychotic killer stuff.

Also, I went to Goa after my internship ended. It was off-season, but it was still worth it. The sea was powerful, the waves were crushing things and it was majestic. And there is just something about beaches and the sea, it unwinds you and brings out the inner giggling, gullible child in you. We got drunk, we danced, we got really silly and it was fabulous. And there was this shack near the hotel I lived, where they let you stay as long as you want and they had books too for the customers to read. It was one of the best things ever. I think it was called “Cavary”, I forget, but do look it up if any of you are going there in sometime. Nice little place.

And that’s all I got for today.

P.S. I am going to resume the Friday post here on, and for once I have some pre-planned post, so do visit the blog. Because we’re on each other’s team. And it validates my existence.

Photograph Courtesy: Prashantt Rai (top)

To be Honest

I mean she was really happy. She was doing something that she really enjoyed. Studying something that I think she wanted deep down in a subconscious way forever. And it brought her out of her hometown and she was travelling, which she always wanted. It made her feel so independent. Ok, maybe, she didn’t really make herself independent and she was burning a huge hole in her Dad’s pocket and all his savings were going for a toss. But she thoroughly felt guilty about it. She felt so guilty, she started distancing herself from her parents. And buying more unnecessary things. They made her fill in a lack of something she knew she felt, but wasn’t able to point as to what it could be.

But all this hard work and money was for something that’d help her achieve her dreams and it was what she was passionate about. Although she may not have been really good at it – sometimes she felt she disillusioned herself into thinking that this was what she was meant to be. No, let me rephrase that – it was something she could be. Sometimes though there would be a few assurances that maybe she showed a glimmer of something that may someday count and she would eventually reach the stage that she wanted to stand in. But I will agree, the rebuke is more than the share of assurance. And more struggle than anticipated. Or for that matter way less job satisfaction than you’d think. Sometimes it felt like all this years of studying and all this money was wasted to programme her to crumble under the reality. She felt like a lab mouse, a lab mouse that knew about the human history and civilization and the all the recent scientific explorations, who was now being forced to smell the cheese and cross the maze. The mouse wasn’t trained for this. What the fuck was happening?

But enough about her work, atleast she did find some good friends in the process. I mean, the ones she didn’t have a fall out with already. That ought to count for something, shouldn’t it? Sure, she sometimes felt that they barely got her or that they fitted into a picture of which she needed to be forcefully drawn into. But they cared for her. Sure, they did. And they’d keep in touch. Though you do tend to loose connect and it was her last year. After all, there were few from school she still spoke to. Ok, not you know, literally. Electronically message each other. But she did meet them. Once a year. But they always picked up right where they left off. They were all doing so well for themselves too. They were sure about the next step. She was really glad for them. Ok, maybe later when she was walking back home or idly scrolling through her newsfeed, she couldn’t help comparing her life to theirs, now and then. But, I mean, that was totally harmless. She knew it wasn’t a competition.

And she would eventually find her path. Or maybe she’d settle. But she’d be happy, right? I mean what’s the worst that could happen to her? Depression and a few other psychological disorders if she wasn’t strong enough to handle the rejection, right? She’d grown stronger than that. Ok, I’ll admit, she may have had a history of depression that stemmed from being rejected, but what are you trying to get at? She had recovered and she was stronger. And it’s not like she’d be alone in her struggle – she’d definitely have someone by her side. So she hasn’t met them by now. People have met their life partners at 50 or something. That basically gives her like 3 decades. Not that she’ll meet hers when she’d be 50. She has had been with guys. Maybe not the best of them. Ok, mostly, just jerks, but they were attracted to her. She’s got it in her. Except, that one particular guy, she really fell hard for. And that other one, who wasn’t into her when they were making out. Ok, maybe she wasn’t that hot. So what?

Look, she was happy.

Despite it.

Artwork courtesy: Jennifer Yoswa

The Mumbai Chronicles: First Week

Here we are. Mumbai. The city of dreams. And that’s one item off my travel list. So how I got here?

Let’s rewind a couple of months back to the time when we were on our search for our summer internship and eventually landed one – here in Mumbai! And the journey from Kolkata to Mumbai has been… if I had to wrap in three words or less: Full of Mistakes.

#Mistake 1:
Never, ever leave the decision of shelter in a new city on other folks. Even if they assure you they will take care of it. Keep backups of your own.

#Mistake 2:
Carry enough of cash, and then some more. This one should have been a no brainer but…. shit happens.

#Mistake 3:
Real estate is a bitch. You like something, put the cash on the table and wrap it up. In a big city, there are hoards of new folks coming in by the minute and every one of them need shelter. The 1bhk flat you liked but didn’t give your answer to check out other options will be gone in the next ten minutes. True story.

And that’s how I spend my first day in Mumbai – house hunting. We almost lost a very fine place but save for a last minute miracle. Beginner’s luck. Apart from some really stupid decisions and crappy phuchkas, Mumbai is turning out to be as fine as it had always sounded. The highlights so far:

– It doesn’t get dark before 8 p.m. !!!! 5 p.m. here looks like 3 p.m. back home! This is the best part of Mumbai! The very best part! And night never seems like night, with people running around the street like they don’t have bedtimes. Best. City. Ever.

– Contrary to popular belief, people are happy to help. With direction, at office, while finding a house.

– Malls so huge, I haven’t yet finished checking out an entire floor.

– The sea. The sea at night *enough said*.

Thus, at the end of my first week, my homesickness is wearing out and I am getting used to the rickshaws and the vada pavs. The next week looks weary and tiresome from here but the next day out sure will make the 6-day working all worth it.
So far, so good.

Photograph Courtesy: Chumbak (Top)
                                    Sutanuka Khan (Bottom)

Oh Well.

I won’t lie, I expected it all to work out.

I really thought the bad guy would be it.
I was the classic good chick. He was the classic man-whore.
Turns out, he had his eyes on the other classic good chick.

I really thought that the good guy would do it.
I took one out of the zone. Pushed him to it.
He complied. He complied with everything.
I got bored.

I made up my mind, the older the better.
They mature with age, don’t they? Like wine. I liked them wines.
He was the perfect wine, made me the right amount of tipsy.
I blabbered. He told me I wasn’t old enough to hold my wines.

I thought the funny one would be fun.
He laughed it off.
Oh well, I was kidding too, you know.

I couldn’t make up my mind about the younger one.
His perfect face convinced me.
But my age and wisdom didn’t make me more secure.
Or worldly enough for him. Medieval worldly.

I tried to drown my sorrow with the tortured one.
But sorry boy, I’m not that down in the dumps.

Oh well.
I made my mistakes.

For the sake of it

I want something new. A change in the wind maybe or a different buzzing in someplace else. I want a new tune and a new beat. Some new steps, swaying my hips and moving my feet. The old routine has been going on for too long. It works out and its dependable, but new is the need of the moment.

New faces and new breathe. New laughter and new smiles. New feels, new touch and new insects crawling under my skin. Not those old butterflies.

Heck, I don’t even mind some new tears and a few new heartbreaks.

As long as I haven’t been there already, seen it already.

It’s getting all mundane and predictable. And I’m getting all cranky. Uncontrollable cranky.

Sometimes I dream of a new me when nothing else comes to my mind because I have exhausted the possibility by over thinking. This new me, she wouldn’t over think. And she’d be dignified with ice-cold stares and the world at her feet, commanding respect. An Iron-fist woman. Or sometimes a gypsy – tanned by the sun, not a care in the world. Free as the wind that blows her away to distant lands. All cheer and laughter with stories of passion and foreign lands to charm her granddaughter with.

And at times I just dream of being a pixie… with a couple inches added in there.

But I am bored of dreaming, and I want new realities. It needn’t be exciting and it needn’t be adventurous. But new. That’s all I am asking for. New realities for new dreams to be made up.

Memory of Wonderland

Call me an escapist but…

I want to be a kid again because coloring out of the lines was alright. It meant the page had that much more colors.

I want to be a kid again because everything was a mystery and not just physics, chemistry, biology or economics.

Childhood was the kingdom where not only did they not die but people lived happily now and ever after.

No amount of jumping around tired our tiny bodies, scrapes and bruises were medals of honour.

I want to be a kid again because nap time should be zero fun. Because life was or could be much better than anything I could dream of.

We could be anything we desired and few bothered to contradict our reasoning.

The monster was still under the bed, not a shadow following one around.

Make belief was the way to pass the time, and not looked down upon as leading a delusional lifestyle, afraid to face the reality.

It isn’t that life hasn’t taken a turn for the better, it has. Living alone, making way for myself – that was the dream. There are more opportunities that I can grab at 20 than I ever could at 5 (hell, I couldn’t grab the candies at the end of the candy race), but how we looked at life and at ourselves, that has suffered and taken a beating. Earlier you tied a cape around yourself and you believed you are Superman. You believed you are capable of doing greater things in your life; you just had to wait till you were grown up. And eat green vegetables while you were at it.

Well, I have had my share of green veggies, now where did all the belief go?

Photography courtesy: Childhood Magic Photography