Strange butterflies, trying to conceal your blush, hell lot of awkwardness, specifically at all the wrong situations. Congratulations, you are welcome to the world of love but stay in denial. Before the non-experienced starts judging by just seeing the vague picture of what it’s all about, let me warn them: You are in for more than what you had planned for. Liking his tact, company, conversations, jokes, smile, eyes… suddenly you find yourself in an off-limit zone. You just say, “Okay! This was not supposed to happen. So it might not just happen. Stop hallucinating and focus somewhere else.” His laugh, out of nowhere, keeps coming to your mind, like a hundred times a day or his face in front of your eyes. Just an infatuation. Nothing risky about it. It will go away even before you would notice. Good, if it luckily goes away; otherwise all the very best for the rest of your life. Atleast for whatever time you are required to live in that situation. With every dawn, you start praying for it to go away. With every dusk, you start believing that it won’t, aggravating your urge to leave it all. Along come the means to do that- distractions; mostly bad ones. But what can be the reasons for the non acceptance of your feelings, even to oneself. After all we are the best keeper of our secrets, having all of them carefully locked at the back of our head. But what’s with another secret? The reason is not hidden at the back of the head, its right in front. Your conscious may be filled with guilt or you fear that your life will be filled with complications. Of all the things, what sucks most is when he is a dear friend. More than just feelings are at stake. All’s well until your behaviour remains unaltered. Obviously you have your best interests at heart for everybody and him, but the outer attitude just not matches with it. You were so good with him, rather normal. But who knew normality is one hell of a job now. You keep apologising for your demeanour and everytime fortunately it gets accepted. You feel bad, not that it happened, because you are not sure if you’ll ever be able to stop it completely. Eventually the question gets raised, “Why is he the chosen one for dumping all your bad mood swings?” You have no answer. Even though you are not doing anything wrong to him, instead doing to yourself all that’s wrong, but you just politely take everything on you. Own up your mistakes one more time, not owning your feelings one more time. Amidst all of it, that smile in that face keeps paying visit to you, as often as possible.
This post is written by Kammia Karan. Anonymous and fucked up in her own special way.