Lessons That You Need But Don’t Deserve

I made a Dark Knight reference up there. And it may or may not have any significance in this article. So sometime back, I stumbled upon a realization, and by sometime back I meant to kid you there, I talk about it all the time – that it has been exactly half a decade that I have been single. Hell, right now, I could run for Mayor if single people had their own city. Seriously though, 5 years – half a decade, however you put it, it still sounds ominous. I will go sit in the corner for a while now.
I’m back, and ready to turn the situation upside down and dole out the only thing I have, pseudo sense of having wisdom. Woohoo! Ain’t that an upside? So gather around and I will walk you through the nitty-gritty of how to not be noticed by anyone and remain secluded and single. For-EVER.

  1. Kill your social life. Mingling with the outside world, pfftt, who needs that? In fact take it to a whole new level where you make yourself a myth, your existence is called upon question and people can only ever confirm sightings – in the virtual world.
  2. Think that you are ugly because, self-esteem sucks. This may be a little difficult first, but then with constant practice anyone can achieve this. Think it enough and you will believe it. Remember, tearing down your self-esteem is the first step to bringing down the self-confidence. Confidence is supposed to be sexy; you need to avoid that to attain the goal here.
  3. Have a list of qualities you look for in the sex you prefer and would like to mate with. Make it as precise and lengthy as you can. Though this may sound easy to you on the get go, but it actually isn’t. You think “Smart, funny, chivalrous” is a hard combination to crack, you must be kidding yourself. You need to go deep to ensure proper protection – think “Can survive the Hunger Games, needs to be a high-functioning sociopath with looks befitting a self-satisfied Adonis also with farts that smell like lavender and baby cream.” Ha! Try breaking that, person of opposite sex I would like to mate with.
  4. Another no-brainer, don’t ever put on display all the awesome qualities you think you possess. Think you are funny? Think you are really intelligent and charming? Think you need to boast that you know everything about Harry Potter and indulge in raunch-filled fan-fiction? You think wrong. Stay quiet and don’t try to pull any stunt. That might draw attention to you.
  5. Do not meet new people. This is crucial, I know this sort of comes under the first point, but this is so important I have to stress on it particularly. Meeting new people will give you a chance that you may fancy someone, worse, someone may fancy you. If we wanted that to happen, you and me wouldn’t be here discussing this and going through it point by point and making lists, ok! So, no new people. Ever.
  6. In case you do, first thing, have a mental image of me shaking my head and just walking out the door. You are a lost cause, it’s like you don’t even want to be here. But suppose you couldn’t help it and it was somehow forced upon you to come into such contact, I understand. I will walk you through it so that you can come out of this miserable situation. First, work yourself up a little bit. Tensed you will always perform better in situation such as this. This takes care of the “first impression.” With the situation under your control, take out your mental list of qualities we discussed in point 3. Obviously, this mere mortal can’t stand up to it even if they give up their left arm. Laugh on their face, do your best evil laugh and walk away. Just walk away.

So, this should cover you fair and well. If anyone still has a problem and seems to attract someone, call me up, man. We can plan how to get you out of it or get them out of the scene. If you know what I mean.
I meant to take them down or kill them off from the story.
Whatever fits.

Image courtesy: Cyanide and Happiness, you fucker.

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